In the Mountains

Melancholy hung like a black cloud above my head. Depression stared fiercely at me through the haze that spread before me. Despair, disgust, loneliness, anger, fear, all assailed my senses. I wandered through the day like a robot, some animated beast of Hephaestus, not wanting to be alone, nor wanting to be near people. How does one soothe the heart enveloped in the black veil of melancholy, how does one ease a burdened heart.

In fits such as this I think only of the pleasure of death, of release, of the endless, dreamless, pointless slumber that awaits us all. I think of all the time I've wasted and all the time I have yet to waste, before I am granted the exit I long for so wholeheartedly. I think of all the lives I've touched, and those that have, in turn, touched me back. O, how I hate to be touched. How I hate to be seen, to be felt, to be known, to be loved. I long for solitude, free from even the nagging Furies in my mind, free from all, all that haunt me and all that, I, in turn, haunt.

At times like this I long to drink from the river Lethe. To forget those things I should have never known. To forget the loves I should have never had, to forget the life, that I, should have never lived. I long to forget who I am, what I've done; what have I done? Do I deserve this? Of course. This desire to forget, to DIE, lay heavy on my heart. That is not to say I wanted to end life myself. No indeed, for I haven't the courage for a deed so brave. It is simply this, I longed to be taken away, to give myself freely to Thanatos. To accept his embrace, freely and without fear.

Of course these moods pass. They need to be driven out, like cattle grazing in a field meant for harvest, they must be expelled. So in my desire to shoo away the clouds that ceaselessly poured rain upon my head, I headed to the one place where my spirit was free to do battle against the demons that presently flitted in and out of my assailed mind. I went to the one place where my thoughts, off the leash imposed by my fellow man, were free to run amok and free to soar with the birds. I went to the haven of the eagle, the wolf, the deer, the haven of the mountain lion, the haven of these beasts that, unlike man, know the true value of freedom. I went to the mountains.

I traveled down an overgrown road, destination nowhere. I drove a car in places where trucks fear to tread. I drove until the road became nothing more than a hole in the forest. Until the tire tracks were only measurable in flattened grass. When my car could travel no further, I hiked. I wandered slowly, not knowing in what direction I walked, lead only by the beacon inside that points away from civilization. So I walked until my anxiety became less intense, until my Furies could not be heard above the silence of the mountain.

I walked through thick forest on paths previously tread on by animals alone. Sometimes I made my own paths as those of the animals had lead me astray. Thus I walked until I felt that the time for walking had passed. Thus I walked until I came across a small grassy clearing. A clearing that lie near to a softly flowing creek. Thus I walked until my guide, my mind, said stop. And here I stopped, here I stopped and dropped my gear. Here, I set up camp, prepared to allow freedom to cleanse my soul of the demons that haunt the city. Prepared to remain, forever, if need be.

Time passes both slow and fast in the mountains. The days seem much longer, however, somehow the weeks, impossibly I know, pass much quicker. I meditated near the stream. I listened to the forest sounds. I sat on the earth until the forest life, believing I had gone, resumed their daily chores. It is impossible to see the life that runs frantically through the forest, unless you have the patience, the courage, the discipline, to sit quietly for hours. Any sound in the forest causes the prey to freeze and the predators to drool. Any sound sends the beasts into hiding, where they watch until you pass.

So, I sat listening to the council of the stream, listening to his poetic words as he explained the meaning of life to me. I sat alone, as I desired to be, listening to the wisdom of the wilds. The wind told me secrets of happiness and the trees shared their thoughts. Blades of grass whispered sweet nothings to my ever-attentive ears. Thus, I sat through Dawn, morning, thus I sat as Helios made his way across the heavens, thus I sat as Dusk displayed her brilliant glow and thus I sat as Selene watched enviously from the sky. Morning noon and night I heeded the wisdom of the wilds, and morning noon and night they spoke to me.

Creatures came and went. They came to drink from the stream, they came to see the stranger that sat alone on it's bank, and they came to tell me things that the water, trees and grass had failed to tell. These creatures came and went. Deer walked to the streams bank to tell me of the wildflower meadows that lie nearby. Wolves came to tell me how to hunt the rabbit. The rabbits came and laughed at the words of the wolves, telling me that, surely, they would never be caught. Bears came to tell of berries that would heal my soul and fungus that would destroy it. The creatures told me their wisdom and I listened, ever attentive.

As time passed, I began to feel better. The gloom that had hung above my head was driven away by Helios' powerful rays. I began to remember just what it was that kept my heart beating. I began to remember that thing that we all desire, but none may have forever. I remembered that it wasn't folly to pursue it, despite the knowledge that it would only give itself up for a brief time. And as I sat by the stream, I saw a new kind of beast. One that had not visited me before, on this trip or the one before. I saw a beast that passed so quickly, yet moved so slow, that my mind reeled in confusion. I saw a new beast, one that had, up until now remained out of my sight.

This beast came to the water to drink and sat for a long time ignoring my presence, yet undoubtedly fully aware of it. "Why do you not speak to me beast?" I asked. "Why to you avoid my eyes, pretend that I am not here, when you know full well I am, and know that I know too?" The beast sat drinking, softly lapping up the water. "Beast speak! I desire your wisdom and wish to know your mind." But the beast sat lapping the water softly, ignoring my presence, yet, knowing full well I was there. My knowledge came back to me, and I knew what I must do, for the forest is quiet when you make sound and will only speak when it feels that you are ready to hear.

So I sat, waiting, ever attentive to the sounds of the forest and eventually the beast it spoke. These words the beast spoke to me, words that burnt me to the core and filled my mind, my heart, with a never-ending pain, these words the beast spoke:

"Fool, you sit there still,

My words you think you want.

Fool, you sit there still,

while my tongue drinks from the fount.

You wished to hear my words

you fool, you wished to know my mind.

You wished to hear my words

you fool, beware they are not kind.

I hid from you in the forest yonder,

For I knew you would inquire.

I hid from you in the forest there,

for I know your every desire.

I know that it's wisdom that you seek.

You wish for me to tell.

I know it's wisdom that you want,

but I only offer hell.

I see from your eyes, the expression on your face,

my words you can't believe.

I see by the bewilderment in your eyes,

that you have been deceived.

You see beauty in my form, you think

that you can tame me.

You see mystery in my eyes, you think

that you might claim me.

I am the creature of the night,

the cat that poets speak,

will eat your heart while you pet,

while you think it's meek.

I am a beast like none other here,

a beast untouched in savagery.

I am a beast like none other here,

You fool DO NOT desire me.

Listen close the wind will whisper,

warnings in your ear.

Listen close the stream will tell,

of the thing that you must fear.

You only see my beauty fool,

but look, here are my teeth.

You must look past my beauty fool,

or happiness will be brief.

I give you now a chance to leave,

to stand and walk away.

For I am pain and suffering

with me you should not stay.

That said, the beast stood across the stream from me. It looked at me fiercely. For once my respite in the mountains was disturbed. Where had this creature come from? From whence had this creature ventured. And I listened, to the wind, to the stream, to the grass. I could not listen to the regular beasts of the forest, for they had gone. The wind, the streams and the blades of grass, all echoed the sentiments of that strange, yet beautiful creature. They spoke to me but one word, repeatedly, that word was flee.

I couldn't tear my eyes from that creature, and I couldn't believe it could be so cruel. I saw only beauty, and teeth yes, but I did not fear. I could not fear it. Like at a Tiger I stared. We stare at the Tiger even though we know it may kill us. We stare at the wolf, the bear, the wolverine, and the lion. We stare at all these creatures despite the things we know. We know the can - will - kill. We know they are dangerous, but we wonder at there habits. The grace of the cheetah as it streaks across a field, draws our attention the same way as when we see a bear lumber out of the forest. I know these things and I thought, "Yes I fear, but I can be careful. Of course, I fear, but I will keep my distance." These thoughts abounded in my mind, and I think the creature heard them. For the creature fixed me with an angry glare and told me:

Okay you fool you were justly warned,

but still you stand in awe.

You know you fool, that danger awaits,

yet I look and there you are.

So stand and watch but know this you fool,

that I won't let you die.

For suffering, far greater than the grave,

to give, is surely mine.

Dearest fool you have no clue,

You and I will never part.

For I am Venus, the Queen of Thieves,

I've come to steal your heart.